Whole, Self

Accept me? Denied–
Believe me I’ve tried
To coexist with termites
living off
my soul. You say
it’s pure
underneath the layers and layers
(of(f) white)
clothes
to hide my gay-
ness, too thick– you say
Why, must they love?

In the center, I stand like the sun
loved by the masses
separate worlds
avoiding comets like the people in my direct vicinity
Who tell me I shouldn’t exist
Who tell me to cut my hair
Lose some weight, date
a man. To fulfil my duty as an
Arab Woman
Pray.
You say please pray
to a God you tell me
hates me, my people
who hate my God– whom I barely know–
How do I stay away from
parts of myself
I cannot even see?

You want to teach me to love
But I have already taught myself (how to live unlike you)

Where’s the sense of community –fragmented– together
we tell people who we are
Who are you if you’re born in a country your father’s father’s father
knows nothing of?
Where’s my fucking representation? when people say I don’t exist
I’m here,
Look at me,
Tell me
how you dissolve your race, neatly
packaged into signifiers–
when I stand outside, What am I?

Where do I belong when the people who love me Hate
my people hate
my god loves my people
who hate me?

How can I say he’s my God when I barely know him?

All I know
is that I Should
and that I Must
and that I Am
– They tell me this.

This is all I know.
All I must know is this.
I must know this.
All I know is this.

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