(March 2016)

1. You remind me of loss.
You say come on, don’t be that way
We can do this, we can be friends
But friendship,
Friendship isn’t what we had
What we had was love, romance, fluttering hearts, doors opening, kissing, helping me lift shelves,
hands, touching
, annoyance, grumpiness, fighting
What we had
Was love.

2. Wasn’t it?
Because the lazy hellos and the cozy goodnights told me that we learnt to build a world between us, impenetrable
A world we lived in, where we grew old together, eating dinner on the couch while stroking each other’s stresses away night after night,
A world full of familiar laughter,
A coming together of science and art and
Life
A world made to last.

Except you don’t believe in fiction.

While I looked up to the stars to count the ways we would never fail, you looked to the ground to find chains.
You never believed in star dust,
Yet you tried to squint your eyes and watch the molecules as they filled you up,
O2 by CO2
As I, eyes closed, felt them fill me up too
O2, maybe CO2?

Wasn’t it love?

3. You remind me of anger

Maybe all we had was friendship,
A sandcastle of love, deconstructing itself to find a space in between the cracks, in between the spaces of a lover and a friend.
We cracked open like sidewalks, revealing the grey lines in our minds,
cement and grey matter-
we were lost
And honest.
And honestly,
Maybe all we never had was love.
Maybe all we ever had was honesty.

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